Keys To Heaven, Slowly Giving In
by reflecting
Summary: Second in a series of SSNT OneShots. 'I cannot give myself to her. She’d only look at me, thinking to herself if there isn’t more. I am nothing, and have nothing left to give her', he thought firmly. Is that true? R


**_A/N: well...I decided to do another one-shot about ssnt.. :) review?_**

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Keys To Heaven - Slowy Giving In

Severus Snape breathed out as he closed the door behind him; leaning his back against it for support. He was exhausted but knew he had several hours more that he had to get through. He'd been sent out to gather information in the underworld, in other words; the streets of Knockturn alley.

Having spoken to several wizards on the dark market, Severus found himself wanting to go home to take a long, refreshing shower. Even after all these years Severus felt uncomfortable around those who weren't really on the Dark Lord's side, but defiantly weren't on the other side either. He could see the similarity between the people living for the Dark Magic and himself. Many times he'd wondered if he was really one of them; nothing but a vagrant that sought out the darkest of places just to hide. It always made his already sour temper worsen.

Slowly he stood up and prepared himself for another _pleasant_ ride using floo. He straightened himself and set his shoulders before applying his most annoyed sneer. It kept everyone on a safe distance. Well, at least almost everyone. _Everyone except her,_ he thought while walking out from the hide-away alley he'd been in and out to the almost empty street of Knockturn alley.

"How 'bout some nice, fresh made potions, ey? I've got poison for every occasion…" a young man said while approaching him. His hair was hidden under a cap, and only part of his eyes and the rest of his face showed. He had a shallow skin that showed traces of teenage pimples, and mad eyes in the colour of the ground they stood on. He spoke in an accent, sounding as if he was from the north of Britain. Severus sneered at him while roughly pushing him out of his way.

"Ey!" he shrieked as he caught the small bottles he'd almost dropped.

"Next time you approach anyone; make sure you know what you're dealing with." Severus drawled without bothering to turn around. He quickly made his way towards the nearest shop as to use their fireplace. He had much to do, in a short amount of time.

"Sir, are you looking for anything in particular?" a woman's silken voice that had a sickening sweetness in it said from one of the dark corners. Severus didn't spare her a glance as he opened a frail door, made in some kind of wood that seemed to be able to manage Severus' rough jerk without any visible mark. He quietly entered the shop and search for a fireplace in the dim light. He spotted the shop's assistant by some shelves in the other side of the room. A curt nod signalled that he could use the fireplace, and Severus didn't waste any time.

"Hogs Head." he murmured as he threw the green powder into the fireplace. Disappearing in a swirl of flames; Severus closed his eyes and concentrated on not throwing up. He hated travelling like this; but the Ministry had started tracking down everyone who Apparated into, or out of, Knockturn alley. This made flooing the only option, seeing it as it wouldn't look good if they caught him, a suspected Death Eater, hanging out there with his 'buddies'.

As he finally arrived; Severus prepared himself for the meeting. He was going to see some of the new members of the Order; all of them fresh from the Ministry. Their dislike for him showed miles away, but he was used to it. He vaguely remembered having had to teach them in potions and smirked despite himself. As eleven years olds, they'd though him to be a vampire, and now the saw him as a Death Eater. _Some things never change,_ he thought as he made his way towards two young looking men, sitting by a round table hidden in the shadows.

"A pleasure, sir." one of them said with a look of disdain. Severus sneered at them, which made the other one swallow whatever it was he'd been about to say.

"Skip the greeting phrases and let's get down to business." he said and leaned back in his chair; awaiting whatever orders he'd been given.

"Here's the address. Be there when it suits you." said one of them while giving him a piece of parchment neatly folded. Severus felt relief at how short this little 'meeting' would be and nodded before going after something in his pocket.

"By yourself a drink." he said as he threw some coins up on the table. He grinned at their bewildered faces but decided to leave before the saw the small messages engraved on the surface of the coins.

Turning towards the fireplace again; Severus threw another dose of green powder into the fire. He had still business to attend, and when he saw fit, in other words in about five hours, he had to be in some house in a muggle village somewhere.

"Knockturn alley." he murmured as he disappeared once again.

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_Alright Tonks; concentrate on what you're doing… Do not, under any circumstances, stand up to begin pacing. They will wonder what you're worrying about, and…wait…what did he say?_

Tonks stared into the eyes of Dumbledore as she tried to recall what he'd asked.

"Um…" she started but Dumbledore shook his head, with the faintest of smiles lingering in the corner of his lips.

"I was just asking if you have anything new to report?" He repeated. Tonks blushed as she fought the urge to just shake her head and look away.

"No sir, nothing new." came her reply. She relaxed as his attention, along with everyone else's, turned towards the next member.

_Where the hell is he? The meeting started several minutes ago! He's never late, unless…_

Tonks had to take a deep breath to prevent herself from jumping up from the chair to go and stand by the window; where she had the best view of the streets around them. Maybe he just had to stop and rest for awhile?

_This is driving me nuts! He's scaring the hell out of me when not showing up! _she thought desperately as she bit her lip.

In a way, she missed the times when he'd only been the Bat of the Dungeons; the Greasy Git everybody hated. At least she hadn't been forced to take the dreamless-sleep potion when he'd been summoned in the middle of the night. Sometimes she wondered if it was worth it all. Since that night, when he'd lost control, she'd been hopelessly lost him; knowing she'll never find her way out.

But what about him? She'd accepted that he doesn't see himself as hers; only her as his. Was that ever going to change? She so longed after the right to call him hers; to mark him as they make love. Marking him as hers. But for how long would she have to wait? Forever? She didn't know if she had the strength to wait for so long.

_But I could never leave him anyway. Without him there is…there isn't anything!_ she thought while fighting tears.

It'd gone several months, and for each minute they'd grown closer. She barely remembered the time when she'd really hated him and his damned insults. Now, she merely heard what she knew he meant.

"Ah, Severus, I trust it went well?"

Tonks almost fell out of her chair as she turned around. In the doorway stood no other than Severus Snape. She beamed at him and relief showed in her eyes before she caught herself and looked away. She'd thought she'd seen his lips curl though.

"The answer is yes. I have managed to find out when the Dark Lord will be attacking. It's in three weeks. We need to prepare for both Giants and Dementors."

Dumbledore sighed and the rest of the room seemed if not terrified, than at least frightened.

"And the rest?"

"I didn't get anything out of Jiang, but Feore told me that massive orders of unicorn blood, snake milk, moondust flowers and a various other Dark ingredients used in potions with qualities such as Power-strengthening and Blood-thinning has been made these recent months. I'd say the Dark Lord is getting weaker."

At this Dumbledore looked pleased, but a worried frown kept everyone from bursting out in speculations. Tonks sat quietly watching Severus from the corner of her eye and grinned to herself as she saw him flash her a small smile.

"Thank you Severus. I got your message by the way. Clever thing indeed." Dumbledore said while twinkling. "It's taken care of."

"Good."

"Alright then, let us continue with the meeting. Arthur?"

Severus ignored the tired voice of Arthur Weasley and settled himself behind Tonks; leaning against the wall. He resisted the temptation to leave the chilly wall to embrace the body he knew would be as hot as a steaming bath to him.

Memories flooded back into his mind and he took a few moments to enjoy the memory of her close to him; looking into his eyes as if he was her everything; her world. Quickly dismissing that thought, Severus forced himself to at least listen to what they other had to say. It could be useful information.

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By the time the meeting came to an end, Tonks was driving herself mad. She felt his presence behind her; so close. It was as if he was caressing her arms with invisible hands sending shivers down her spine.

As the others stood up, Tonks waited a few seconds before trusting her legs to carry her. She was pleased to see Severus still standing by the wall and made sure to walk past him close enough to touch his hand with hers.

"Meet me later outside, m'kay?" she whispered. He tightened the gip around her hand in respond before letting it go; drawing all warmth out of her. At least it was how it felt. She absently cupped her hot cheek and smiled.

Severus watched her leave and sighed. He looked down at the floor and rubbed his stiff neck with a hand. He hissed quietly at the pain shooting through his tense muscles before he gave up and raised his gaze, only to meet Dumbledore's eyes.

"She worries about you." he said while taking a step closer. Severus first instinct was to back away, but he was stopped by the wall. Growling, he looked away.

"I know." he finally allowed himself to respond before he quickly left the room, too unsure with himself to have Dumbledore confront him on something he himself still hadn't thought over with much care.

_I cannot give myself to her. She'd only look at me, thinking to herself if there isn't more. I am nothing, and have nothing left to give her,_ he thought firmly. But even to his own thoughts it sounded wrong. There was something more he could give. There was something. He just didn't know what, and he was too proud to dare ask.

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Tonks drew her hand over his chest; barely touching. She lay with her head on his shoulder and had one leg thrown over his lower stomach. The covers lay forgotten on the floor, along with their clothes, and Severus was already fast asleep. 

She kissed his skin softly and enjoyed the taste of him still lingering on the tip of her tongue. Her heart felt light, while her body felt heavy and tired. She smiled and closed her eyes while breathing in his scent. It'd been two days since the meeting, and Tonks still felt shaken whenever she couldn't find Severus where he should be. She hoped he hadn't noticed, in case he thought of her as a nutcase or something.

She didn't dare take one step wrong; risking stepping over the line. What if he was happy as he was? But then again, what if he didn't dare give himself to her? As it was now, Tonks had still to gather courage to confront him.

With a content sigh she opened her eyes again and took in the sight of him sleeping. He looked relaxed and vulnerable. Oh how she loved it. She could stay awake for hours after he'd gone asleep and just watch him. It wasn't as if she enjoyed having him at her mercy; it was more the knowledge that he trusted her enough to let her lie beside him as he slept that made her smile.

'_And what if I ruin all this, if I finally confront him?'_

'_You've got nothing to lose.'_

'_Except him, you mean.'_

'_I thought you'd accepted that he's not yours?'_

'_Oh the downside of reason.'_

'_You asked for it.'_

'…_.'_

"What are you thinking about?" Severus asked with a sleepy voice; watching Tonks stare at her hand that was placed on his chest as if unseeing. His eyelids were still heavy, and he didn't bother to open them fully, but just settled with gazing down at her through his eyelashes.

"Oh…did I wake you?" Tonks asked with a faraway voice, as if she was still thinking. Severus frowned and suddenly felt awake. He wrapped his left hand around hers and slowly turned her around so that she lay on her back, while he rolled over and supported himself on his elbows as to not crush her under him.

"Tell me…" he murmured as he leaned down to nuzzle her ear. A content sound was heard from her as he traced his free hand along her stomach; stopping only to caress her breasts.

"Tell you what?" she asked; breathing into his ear. Severus shivered and smiled. The pleasure of having her this close was beyond words to describe.

"About what is troubling you, my sweet." was his answer as he bit her earlobe before smothering it with the tip of his tongue.

"It's nothing…." Tonks said while closing her eyes to enjoy the moment. She felt his hand cup her chin as his thumb slowly stroked her lips, making her part them just a bit to let out something that could be called a moan.

"I don't believe you." he said with his lips brushing against her cheek. Tonks lifted her hands and let them wander up and down his chest. Severus let his head drop and rested his forehead against her shoulder while his senses were stimulated by the feel of her warm hands running over his bare skin.

"Nymphadora, please." he said after awhile when Tonks' hands had settled on his back; holding him close. He felt himself wince as he admitted to himself that he couldn't take it no more. She'd been acting strange lately, as if being afraid of something, as if dreading losing him. Whenever he was late, or was somewhere else than he used to be, she'd freak out. She'd hid it well though, but he wasn't a spy for nothing.

The idea of her having such strong feelings were in the beginning absurd; but had ceased to be during a time he couldn't quite place.

He'd doubted from the very beginning that she could have anything but a simple crush on him, or just desire. But as he slowly came to realize his own feelings for her, he wondered why she couldn't feel the same. It wasn't as if he'd felt like this for anyone before, at least not this strong, and she'd probably had several opportunities to explore the world of love. Why should she stay if she had nothing but desire for him? The way she looked at him, the way she seemed to worry…

_I cannot give myself false hope,_ he thought annoyed; running a hand through Tonks' messy hair.

With her; he was…him. Just simply, and plainly, him. He tended to have less walls around him, along with locked doors in his mind. Thoughts that he'd kept heavily guarded came flooding back to him as he lay with her in his arms. Thoughts about death and how he now feared it, and thoughts about the forbidden…a future. It all came to him as he lay with closed eyes; feeling her own on him.

"Please." he repeated with his voice as soft as down. Tonks closed her eyes as she fought the urge to cry. She didn't want to destroy what they had, and yet she hated the idea of lying for him.

"Not yet…just…not yet…" she whispered. Severus raised his head at the sound of her voice cracking. He saw the tears that ran down her cheeks and felt as if a knife had stabbed his heart. Not once had he seen her cry because of him. Not once, but now…

"Nymphadora…" he started, but she cut him off.

"It's Tonks, you stubborn git." she said with a smile. Severus allowed himself to flash her a grin. He grew somber though as her tears didn't stop falling.

"Please…this pains me more than your scream could possibly do. Your silence and your tears…please." he whispered while holding her gaze. To his dismay, it only brought more tears to her eyes as she whimpered and closed them.

"I'm sorry." he said as he kissed her softly on her forehead. Tonks shook her head and snuck her arms around his neck to pull him down into a warm kiss. She stubbornly held on as she kissed him with a feeling of panic. She knew that she had to tell him, and she knew it was silly of her to overreact like this, but losing him…

"Nymphadora; tell me. I know there is something you want to tell me." Severus said as he broke her kiss with some difficulty.

"Hold me." she managed to whisper through stiffened sobs. He did as told and gently rolled over to lie on his back; hugging her tight to his chest.

"I want you, Severus… Please let me have you." she finally mumbled into his skin. He closed his eyes as he felt her blink; eyelashes brushing his now damp skin. Somehow, he didn't feel surprised. A feeling of calm settled itself over him as he loosened his grip around her to bring her face, her mouth, her lips, closer to his.

"There is nothing to give…" he said, repeating the words he'd used in his mind so many times.

"Oh Severus…" she whimpered. "Don't…"

"Shh… Whatever it is you want of me, it's yours." he said as he kissed her softly. How else was he supposed to reply? He didn't even know himself what it was he had to give, yet she seemed to know as she placed her hands on his cheeks; kissing him deeply.

_How did I fall this deep without me ever really noticing, or even caring to fight it?_ he thought as he swept her tears away. _How, indeed, did I get the keys to heaven?_

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**_A/N: well? plz plz plz plzplzplzplzplzplzplz review!_ O.O**

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